I Wouldn't Make It as a Heroin Addict

I recently went through a process for a job I don’t “officially” have yet.  They called the process a drug test and physical.  I am pretty sure it was a test to see how well I adapt to change and whether I can get easily frustrated with red tape. 

I was told to go to a specific clinic for the testing.  They also said they would Fed Ex the information I was suppose to fill out and bring with me.  I received the packet Monday afternoon and for the next three hours I filled out paperwork.  Pages and pages of paperwork. 

Ok, I have been through other drug tests before but this was crazy.  I had to look up what half of it meant on the Internet.  It appeared like this was going to basically be a physical in addition to a drug test.  The worst part was it included giving them blood.  I am not good with needles in general. 

When I was in college we had a blood drive and this is where I really discovered I have more than slight apprehension for needles in my arm.  Before being stuck with the needle however, I was tested with a pin prick on my finger.  As it turned out I was low in iron and deemed slightly anemic and therefore not able to give blood.  Bonus!  I’m not proud to admit this next thing, but from then on when I was asked to give blood I stated that I was anemic and could not.  Like I said, not proud moments, but more like instinctual habit to protect myself.

There have been a couple of times where I have learned not only are my veins small, but they also roll.  Not a great combination to have.  Might be why I woke up from a surgery with my arm twice the size because the fluid was not going into my vein any longer.  That was fun.

At least I knew going in that they would need to take blood, what I didn’t really expect was everything else.  I started off with a general vision test followed by the routine drug test where you pee in a cup.  Next, hearing test and a hair sample. 

I had already been warned that they were going to cut part of my hair.  I guess I imagined a small tuft of hair being cut from a section of my hair that wouldn’t be seen.  The technician said she needed to cut “this much” and she made a circular shape a bit smaller than a dime but then here was the kicker…”we have to take the hair from close to the scalp.”  Um.  Why the heck do they need that much hair?  My hair is past my shoulders so even though it is a small section, that is years of growth.  The tech said they would cut four smaller sections so there wouldn’t be a hole.  She said they have to take the hair from where males start balding.  I asked her what they did for men that didn’t have any hair.  Warning, do ask this question unless you are prepared for the answer.  Gross.

The next place they took me was the room I had dreaded all day.  I warned them ahead of time that I could pass out and there was a good chance I might throw up.  I don’t pass out often, but I have done it with my doctor and accidentally thrown up on him.  We get into the room and the guy starts telling me what he is doing.  I nicely explained to him not to show/tell me anything because my mind will imagine the worst.  So he started the process of banding off my arm and looking for a vein.  Then he stopped, un-banded me and called someone else in.  She repeated the same steps and stated she was not going to be able to get to a vein because my veins are small and hidden.  I also have been told my veins roll so she said she didn’t want to try because it would be easier to have me go to a lab.  I guess at a lab they specialize in stuff like that?  

The rest of the appointment was meeting with the doctor, blood pressure, pregnancy test as well as two chest x-rays.  Very thorough.  When I got back to my place, I called the HR department, told them everything was completed except the blood work and stated the technician was going to call the medical person and that person would call me back.

As it turned out, that person did call me…a week later, and told me I had to go back to the same clinic because the other lab wasn’t certified or something like that (ie, they didn’t want to pay the extra cost).  I went back to the clinic after drinking what seemed like 50 gallons of water.  Apparently, water/juice helps increase the amount of blood flow and makes the veins more pronounced.  I kept looking at my arm and never really saw a huge difference.  I did, however, notice the number of trips to the restroom increased dramatically. 

I got to the clinic and again had issues. They did get a vein, but only a small amount of blood came out.  They had me “relax and breathe” which I did to the best of my abilities.  After an amount of time, they gave up and said they could try again in thirty minutes and after drinking an additional amount of water.  The second time was not the charm and they couldn’t even get a vein.  The tech told me a lab would probably take the sample from a vein other than my arm.  Lovely.

So, that is where I am at right now.  Waiting for the call to go to a lab or new clinic.  In the meantime, I will continue to drink my weight in water…

UPDATE:
I had to change the title of this post because after going to a new clinic and seeing five different people and being poked with more needles than I care to remember I am convinced that I would could never make it in a "career" that required finding one of my veins.  It just floors me that it took so long and the whole time I was uncontrollably shaking.  Plus they used different sized needles in various places on my arms and hands.  BUT, they did get the blood test stuff completed.  Odd, because I was actually thinking this job might not be worth it if my veins failed me again...