Dear Fellow Commuters

Dear Fellow Commuters,

I’d like to thank you for making my commute to and from work a memorable one.  So many of you “entertain” me with your antics and selfishness that it would be foolish of me not to pay it forward.  Be happy I have chosen not to post incriminating photos of my commuting acquaintances.

Thank you to the cute, green convertible driving with the top down.  First, I feel a need to point out to you that it is almost 100 degrees outside.  Whether you realize it or not, no one thinks you are cool driving in this heat.  Most people would agree with me to say you belong in the “idiots” category. 

Thank you to the people who think their cigarette butts are biodegradable and toss them out the window when they are finished.  Of course you don’t want to keep the butts in your car!  It is a disgusting, stinky habit and I know you’d hate for your car to smell like an ash tray.  News flash…your car still probably stinks regardless of whether you break the law and throw your burning butt out the window. 

Thank you to the people of their phone without a hands-free accessory when the traffic is thick and they are trying to merge without really looking.  Glad to know you live in a dream world where everyone will stop for you because you are not slowing down.  I stop because I don’t care to end my day seeing an idiot smash into the cement divider because you NEED to let FB people know you are stuck in traffic.  Dislike, thumb down.

Thank you to the pace car that is usually in front of me when I need to get home quickly.  Kudos to you for obeying traffic laws and set your speed control to the speed limit.  Here is a hint for you to eliminate the dirty looks and massive horn honks…move the hell over.  There is absolutely NO reason you need to cruise control in the passing lane.  Let me reiterate….the PASSING lane.  It is called that for a reason.  Why should you stop me from getting a speeding ticket or from getting home in time to watch “New Girl?”   Who made you King of the Road?  Did you notice the twenty cars in a line behind you?  I know you did.  What about the flashing headlights indicating to you that it would be great if you moved over?  Did you think I was just saying “hello” or were you just being a prick because you can?  I think we both know a prick when we see one. 

Thank you to the car that makes the time go by when stuck in traffic because it has so much crap on it.  I now know more about you and your family than I think you wanted me to know.  You are a proud Texan who voted for Romney and still haven’t gotten over the fact that he lost.  Just FYI, you could probably cover that with something else because when you travel out of state, you could be ridiculed.  Then again, if you are from Texas, what are the odds that you will actually drive out of the state….  So, now I know where you are from and your political views.  I also can tell by the Jesus fish that you either like to fish or are telling the world how important Jesus is to you.  (side note:  What is up with the Jesus fish with the feet?  Can you believe in creationism AND the Bible or do you get to pick and choose bits and pieces of each?  Ok, I am not really pushing that hot button; I don’t care, just wondered.)  Back to the book mobile…you have at least three kids, two girls and a boy if the stick figures aren’t lying.  Your daughters are both in dance and their names are plastered in each top corner of your window.  Your son has a lower corner and plays baseball or softball; I never really have been able to tell the difference.  You love your Labrador and your ethic background might be Irish (if I can recall my flag colors).  Seriously, people, be careful of what you put out there.  People could totally steal your identity.

Thank you to the trucks on the road that ignore the smaller cars with the theory that they will and should stop for you, even if you are traveling 20 miles under the speed limit.  The best is when you know a lane is ending.  You have seen two signs warning you and yet you continue on your quest to see where the lane actually ends.  Not cool.  And what is up with trucks carrying flammable liquids driving on the roads during an electrical storm?  Shouldn’t they try to get under a bridge or something until the storm passes? 

Thank you to the people that cannot merge onto a freeway at a decent speed but still cut over into traffic.  Hint:  MATCH THE SPPED OF THE TRAFFIC MORON.  I am surprised daily by these morons.  Why they are still even allowed on the freeways are beside me?  Better yet are the mergers that get freaked out and come to a full stop before actually merging into traffic.  This bottle-necks the entire merge line.  The idiot car eventually makes his way over to the shoulder of the road, limping along at 5 miles and hour with his blinker on waiting for a kind soul to slow and let them in.  Not today, sucker.   Learn to merge.

I’m sure there are other annoyances out there, but the thank you list must end somewhere.  Safe commuting, people and move the hell over….