You Totally Have to Get That Groupon

Greetings, Blog Land.  I decided to come off the lurker bench & guest blog for my very busy & awesome sister-in-law…but only because I thought I could offer you 2 very important life lessons.  We’ll get to that later.  She told me to warm you up with a little intro, so in the interest of efficiency, this is me: sailor chick, bulldog mom, happy wife to a sweet Spreadsheet Guy, dressage horse lover, rum connoisseur, safety geek by trade, only child, missing a rib (creepy, huh?), triple hip surgery survivor, weight lifter, cilantro hater, running despiser & world travel buff.  Holla!  Enough about me.

Let’s get straight to the life lessons.  Please, please, for the love of God, think it through before you get all jazzed over a hard-to-believe-it’s-such-a-great-deal Living Social or Groupon offer.  DO NOT email the link to all your friends with a “we should totally do this!” before doing your homework first.  Relax.  The deal is good for HOURS yet.  Urbanspoon it.  Let Yelp light your path you before you commit that $49 (yes, I know it’s regularly worth $119!).   Allow me to illustrate.

A few months ago, a $49 Living Social deal called for me from my for-marketing-crap only 2005 Yahoo email….and there I was, like a moth to a flame.  Seriously though, that’s a great deal for a 90 minute massage and a 30 minute sauna session though, right?  I bought that puppy, thinking “what a great treat that will make after some hard day’s work of saving lives all over the US of A.”  Fast forward to a week before it was due to expire.  How had time gotten away from me, and this glorious 2 hours eluded my free time for so long??  Sinful!  I made the appt and counted the moments until the stress would melt off my bones like sweet corn butta.  

In hindsight, my usually keen red flag should have raised during the appt making process.  Of course, I booked it online (who wants to talk to anyone for such trivial things anymore?), and was surprised that I could get in within a day or two.  Sadly, I DID check Yelp and this shack scored 1 star out of 5, with a “this was the most unpleasant massage I have EVER gotten in my life.  Avoid Virginia, she’s horrible and wouldn’t stop talking the entire time.”

I had to break up with my last massage girl because she wouldn’t shut the hell up, and finally pulled the plug when she told me how she accidentally ran over her dog & killed it, which made me cry for the dog WHILE I was face down getting a massage.”  WTF!  I figured, maybe I should avoid chatty chicks this time.  There was one male option, and he seemed to have less appts available…so I used the “oh, he must be popular with the patrons = good masseuse” and was sold.  I’ll call him Todd, even though I don’t remember his name.  I won’t name the place, but it sounds like Massage Eggscape, with an X in there somewhere. Check and check.

I pull into the place for my session, and it’s in a shady area of a neighboring city.  Unkempt shopping center, the type where every 3^rd space is for lease with a paycheck advance gig next door.  But!  I’m not one to judge books by their fraying covers, so I press on.  This could be a hidden gem, you know!   I check-in and am given the usual forms to fill out.  No, I don’t wear dentures, and yes, I had a heart murmur.  As I’m doing this, a woman at the counter picks up the phone & dials up an apparent ex-customer.  It went like this:

Desk lady: “Hi so&so, it’s Jackass from Massage Eggscape…just wanted to call & see how you were doing.  Are you still seeing that same chiropractor, or did they refer you to the orthopedic surgeon?  Oh, okay.  Well, can you please keep me updated so we know how to handle the situation from our end?  What’s that?  No, we’ve never heard of a massage causing a herniated disc.  Yes. Yes, we’ve had quite a few complaints about that masseuse.  Yes, we’ll be taking some action from here about it.  Well.  Please keep me posted on your treatment, it will help us decide how to punish our employee.”  THIS WAS ALL ABOUT 6 FEET AWAY FROM ME, a brand new customer.  Would you not place this call from a back room…a bathroom, even.  Anywhere but there!  I’m starting to fret, but how bad can a massage really be?

Next, I’m escorted into the sauna room and given a series of directions that include  “The lock on the door doesn’t work & neither does this intercom thingy or the temperature gauge inside.  Feel free to use the (1989 after market car style) stereo.  Your masseuse will come get you when it’s time.”  Whatevs.  I’ve had a rough day, some dry heat might feel good.  Mind you, this sauna was something you’d pick up at Costco & set up in your basement…and so was the neon light effect fountain in the room.  I undress, wrap a towel around myself & climb inside that baby.

Then it hit me (well, 2 things hit me).  First, DO NOT eat bean containing Mexican food for lunch before you enter a very small, enclosed & heated contraption…or before someone is purposely trying to wring out every last anything from your body with their herniated disc causing hands.  The beans will fail you, this I can guarantee.  Second, DO NOT partake in a sauna before a massage.  You get sweaty, gross…and why?  I kept thinking…is this even good for me?  My deodorant is starting to fail!  I need to get out of there.  I need to vacate the bean graveyard.  So, I sat there in my cheap spa robe waiting for my sweaty skin to dry, hoping my masseuse would hurry the hell up & get this show on the road.   It occurred to me that I could be in the midst of my guest blog topic, so I snapped a few pics and thought of some witty crap to say (which I’ve since forgotten).

Todd summons me, and it’s no surprise that he’s socially awkward & maybe hasn’t had his teeth cleaned this decade.  Awesome. I’m face down first, and Todd goes into his schooling and type of hybrid massage/Chinese healing bodywork spiel.  Yeah, yeah…just get to it, bro.  He then asks about how my online booking went, and “I know this is a weird question, but why did you choose the only man?”  I suddenly felt a panic & wondered if there was something more to the “X” somewhere in Eggscape.  No worries, I’ve taken some krav maga & could unleash the whoopass, if needed.  

Did I mention he was awkward?  Then, he says “what kind of pressure do you like?”  Medium, I say.  “Oh, okay [fake, creepy chuckle], some people like to call my style “a bully’.”  Yes, folks…I had selected the disc herniator.  To top matters, I had to somehow hold in my Mexican lunch effects.  You know that takes a refined skill & extreme mind control.  Admit it…there are 2 kinds of people…the holders & the crop dusters.  You know who you are.  

The music from the rigged-up car stereo died half way through, but never fear…after 2 minutes of fumbling around, Todd cued up Neil Diamond on his cell phone.  No lie.  This was Cracklin’ Rosie alright.

There’s one thing I can’t handle, and it’s long finger/toenails on a man.  Wouldn’t you know that Todd took great pride in digging his dagger fingernails into my skin.  My very much crawling skin.  Yuck!

I’m all for a deep tissue massage, mind you, and can take a lot of pain.  I won’t kid you, there were at least 3 times that I thought he was literally going to break one of my bones.  I had to tell him to “[gasp] alright!  ease up!”  at least 4 times, with no adjustment in pressure.  For real?  Long story long, I was bruised all over the next day.  And the next.  But, I saved $70 off the retail price!

Folks, please remember 2 things:

1.  Research those deals before taking the leap.  There might be a reason that company is drumming up extra (or any?) biz.  If they make an injury claim investigative call in front of you, just leave.  Now.
2.  Refrain from all roughage before a massage.  Oh, and just avoid the sweaty balls sauna altogether unless you own it or are Finnish…then, sweat & socialize in it to your heart’s content.  

Now back to regular programming.

Peace out.