No, Officer, I Don’t Know Why You Pulled Me Over

Don’t you hate it when people get away with stuff?  Someone speeds past you and you see a cop but the speeder never gets pulled over?  I have been pulled over numerous times.  The kicker is, I am usually ignorant as to why it happened. 

Episode 1:

Rural-living girl and the second time driving in the big city of Fargo where they had one double turn lane and, from what I remember, thousands of one-way streets.  Freaking scary crap for a new driver.

I turned down a street and began to realize I was going the wrong way.  So I began to speed to get to the next street quickly to turn around.  Yes, in retrospect, this was not the brightest decision out there but it seemed like a good one at the time.  Police car came around and followed me with his lights on. 

POPO:  “Are you old enough to be driving?”

Me:  Insulted that he would assume that, but scared to death he would haul me out of the car and call my parents who lived in a different town.  “Yes.  I just got turned around.”  After rummaging through the smallest purse ever, I handed over my newly made license.

POPO:  “Clearly you were turned around.  Have you ever driven in Fargo before?”

Me:  “Yes but not around here.”

POPO:  “Do you need help to where you are going?”

Me:  “I don’t think so.”  Still gave him the name of the place I was trying to find. 

NOTE:  This was before GPS (my electronic savior)

POPO:  Gave me the step by step, LANDMARKED directions to my destination and asked me to please pay better attention.   

Episode 2:

Headed to work at 6:15 am and see police lights on and make my way over to the side of the street.

POPO: “Are you in a hurry to get somewhere?”

Me:  “Just headed to work, right there (point to the elementary school).”

POPO:  “The reason I pulled you over is that you were speeding through a school zone.”

Me:  (Looking shocked and still trying to process why this mattered when school wouldn’t start for another hour)

POPO:  “10 miles over the actual speed limit.”

Me:  “Oh!  I’m so sorry.”  Although I was scared and a bit shaky, I kept my cool.

POPO:  “Just get to work and slow down.”  Handed me back my information.

Episodes 3 and 4:

Minding my own business and driving the speed limit I noticed the police lights summoning me to pull into a parking lot to the right.  My good friend was in the car and we had something sticking out of my trunk (I can’t remember what is actually was).  I thought I was being pulled over for the trunk item.  

Me:  After we stop I start to get out of the car to explain the trunk item. 

POPO:  Already out of his car, “Ma’am, get back into the car.”

Me:  Slightly offended at the word “Ma’am,” but apparently not listening, I continued and explained, “I was just going to tell you about…”

POPO:  “Ma’am!  Please get back into the car and I will come to you.”

Me:  “Oh, ok.”  I get back into the car.  I had no idea this was a thing. 

POPO:  Coming over to the car.  “Can I see your license in and insurance?”

Me:  Handing over information.

POPO:  “The reason we pulled you over was because your inspection sticker is out of date.” 

Me:  “Oops.  I forgot.”  Total lie.  It was expired for three months but I was too lazy to take care of it.

POPO:  “I’m going to write you a warning and you need to take care of it within ten days.”

Me:  “Ok, I will.”

POPO:  Going back to his car with my info and talking to his partner, they start totally laughing, 

Um, could you at least wait until I pull away before laughing at me?

8 days later…I see lights in my rearview mirror and realize I totally and completely forgot to get my inspection done.  Crap.  I pull over to the side and begin to rummage through the center console to find my warning paper.  As the police officer ends up on the side of my car, I am smoothing out the slightly crumpled warning notice.

POPO:  (with a sense of humor?)  “I see you already know what I pulled you over for.”

Me:  “Yes.  I’m sorry, I forgot all about this.”

POPO:  “You only have a day or so to get this done (taps on windshield where my expired ticket is located) otherwise you will get a ticket.”

Me:  “Yes, I understand.”

Captain Obvious:  “The warning will expire and become a ticket in less than two days.  You need to try and get this taken care of…today.”

Me:  “Yes, sir.”

He gave me a second warning ticket and I really did follow through and get the inspection taken care of that day.  I was a bit humiliated by the fact I got two of these warnings just a few days apart.  I’d like to say for every year after, I was on-the-ball and got my inspections done when they were due.  Maybe I need to do a blog post on procrastination.

Episode 5:

It was a Friday afternoon and I had to rush home become I had company coming to visit.  It was around Easter because I was working with kids on stuffing eggs to give away and my front passenger seat was over-flowing with dozens of colorful plastic eggs.  I was running late due to traffic on one portion of the freeway so when the traffic seemed to clear a bit I sped up to make up for lost time. 

I saw the lights in my rearview mirror, but I really didn’t think it was for me so I moved over one lane.  Then the lights moved over one lane as well.  Damn.  I pulled all the way over to the side. 

POPO:  “Um…do you know how fast you were going?”

Me:  “No, sir.”

POPO:  “Well, you passed me!”  (Then he chuckled when he saw my look of shock)

I honestly could not believe I actually passed a police officer in a MARKED car and didn’t realize it.  WTH?  I usually never pass a police officer unless he is well below the speed limit or already pulled off to the side of the road.  I must have been seriously distracted.

POPO:  “I need to see your license and insurance.”

I reached around in the back of my seat to grab my purse and began to worry.  I couldn’t feel it.  I unbuckled myself and turned full around to check the back seat area and nothing.  I pulled the insurance card from the glove compartment and handed it over.

Me:  “I am sorry; I seem to have forgotten my purse with my wallet.  It must be at home.”

POPO:  “The insurance card you gave me is also expired.  Do you have another?”

I’m in full panic mode by this time and start shaking a bit.  Thoughts of being arrested, or “taken downtown” start rushing through my brain.  I am at a loss to find a current insurance card.  I have unloaded the entire contents of my glove box, which contained years worth out-dated insurance cards.  The officer kind-of just shook his head.

POPO:  “Do you realize how many violations we are dealing with here?  Speeding, no license, no proof of insurance and today is the last day on your inspection.”  (That last one totally blew past me, at least it wasn’t actually expired)

Me:  “I’m sorry, everything is current, I swear.  I have the same insurance.”  (I held up the out-dated card in a pathetic attempt to show I was once a law-abiding citizen)

I should also mention that at the same time I was pulling out all the maps and crap from my glove box I was putting the stuff on top of the pile of stuffed Easter eggs on the front seat.  As I was pleading my case about actually having insurance, the weight from all the glove-compartment crap, began to distribute the eggs.  So, while I am trying to corral the eggs and plead my case by showing my card, he stopped me.

POPO:  “I tell you what, it looks like you have your hands full.  I don’t really have the time to write up all these violations so I am letting you off with a warning.  But, please, please put your proper insurance card in your car and get rid of the expired cards.  From now on, double check to make sure you have your wallet before you leave your house.”

Me:  (Too relieved to actually respond with a coherent sentence since I was still trying to figure out who I was going to call to get me out of jail)  “Uhh…thank you.”

He kind-of rolled his eyes, smiled and walked away.  I was still in shock and sat in my car for what seemed like an hour until I slowly drove the rest of the way home.  I highly doubted I would be so lucky the next time.  And for those wondering, I did not have to cry, bat my eyes or show any cleavage.  I think just being dingy enough got me off…or it could have been all the eggs.  Either way this was truly a Phoebe moment.

There was other time when I got caught in a speed trap outside of Dallas and on the actual ticket the officer wrote:  “On phone, dog on lap,” but let’s save that story for another day….